On every road someone has died
on every floor somone has cried
in every toilet someone has been sick unless it’s new and you just didn’t know.
Every door has been knocked open and shut.
Soil has been turned upside down and hearts been broken and mended. In our life there is only so little we won’t understand or experience. What I am saying is don’t pick out all of the good grapes and leave the over ripe ones for others. This could happen to you.
So I am all about challenging myself to be better at the things I set for myself. The things I want to achieve and my time managements, I often start things and not finish them. Now that I have my own space I will have my own time and be more flexible and disciplined In myself. It is a struggle to stay motivated but this is a challenge I am willing to partake.
List of my challenges.
1.create a daily routine for me and son
2.be able to cook prep meals and save money
3.stick to the task above.
5.declutter and live more frugal and controlled environment
6.live more and less stress
7.relax and excersise, clear mind.
8.create and complete projects network and get out of my comfort zone.
9.eat healthy on routine and cook and bake with son. Consume less chicken and dairy products just say no thank you.
- Stay on task in check focused keep cool and calm.
11.to be able to set myself aims and goals each week to each month and tick things off lists.
- To create strategic goals and objectives.
13.To be able to review each week and month with critical thinking and results.
So lately I have been looking at the thing called gratitude. I have been reading and watching YouTube videos. I am trying to look more within because my surroundings lack self-confidence, motivation and knowledge. It also lacks empathy. I have natural empathy but It’s been unable to flow freely as people find it easy to offload and not listen to my own problems. In reading about mindfulness gratitude it has helped me to see the problems I may think are there and see what good is there. I guess stress is more reciprocated than happiness. I just want to be able to smile without feeling guilty of even having a smile. I want to cry and not have to apologise for making someone feel uncomfortable. Want to sing out loud and wear what I want. I want to give up eating meat it makes me feel like ugh but I eat what is in front of me and what I know. So I have not put my own self-love boundaries and worth out there but I am working on it. Through writing my gratitude Daily I am appreciating the small things that I miss out through materialism and being impatient and being angry or trying to impress.
My looking into myself has given me the permission to understand my flaws and accept also to allow myself to not feel a guilt of feeling how I do. And to catch myself going out of line. And trying to see how people view me whether right or wrong.
Thoughts of gratitude mixed up with self-love for me is knowing my body. Like I am looking after a child. How do I do this well I am aware of what not to eat but I am not disciplined enough to eliminate things because I am conditioned and used to what I know. I have to work on the unknowing in order for me to have a healthy interior and exterior. My guilty thing is eating chicken and dairy still it Messes up my IBS. but I am grateful for the food that is presented and provided to me I guess I have to prepare my own food and have self-discipline.
Since I have started my gratitude journaling I have realised that my energy has not been so negative rather positive and uplifting. It’s taking myself to understand what is often misunderstood and covered up with egos. Yet I am able to see through people as well I am seeing clearer but not just seeing the bad or the good but the in-between. It’s having the silence to see what is happening over being too noisy and confrontational.
I asked how do you do this
To the space of silence
Waiting for the one woman who could
Answer this question
But no answer received as she lay
Down eyes closed lifeless
Empty bodied nothing but the image
Of the lively person Was all I knew.
How do I live with out you.
Because all my life I was always around you.
You were my nana and it’s taken me ages to place you in passed tense, because saying was felt like I was disrespecting you, I mean you are a ‘you are’.
In reality you are a was and I can’t get my head around this. I can imagine the things that you say and do. And you aren’t doing them now.
What kind of reality are we living in. You are really not here. Some try to say that you are looking down on us that you are close by.
I have you in my heart just didn’t prepare myself for not being able to see you again.
I love you nana x