The cuts and bruising
May heal with creams and band-aid
I’m not see-through
I’m not liquid
My heart still bleeding still beating.
But it’s the mind
It needs protecting
Hugged loved held.
Right until heald.
But it’s the mind it’s intangible
You can’t see it you can’t touch it.
I just want you to listen because if you could see it.
It would have tears and scars and bruising.
You’d want to hold me.
I just can’t explain exactly how
The pain feels.
UK time I’m in bed and America fb interactions are more appealing than my sleep though I will sleep soon. Just in ranting confused arrrghhh mood like Do we really focus all our time on things that don’t really matter. Like still as adults. For real when there are things like sorting out the house and family ok maybe we could find different more advanced and exciting ways to engage In such, we will talk about this in another post. It just strikes me being a black woman in a westernised world where I could sit down and say they don’t like me. I don’t fit in. Raaraaraa. It’s the facts and yes I am Black lives matter not disrespecting anyone elses lives whilst I am fully aware of my own. It’s like you see my child he is 3 he’s cute and innocent learning like any other child. But because he is black anything he does in this society even at school may be over exaggerated because of the obvious. I have just come from ranting on a post that is discusted in a gay flamboyant black man on the run way. Now my concern with my community is that what is not important in name and shaming this man. Is more of focus than us looking at our generational wealth. I am talking from the UK to the USA and trust me the economics are similar. I have my son now so this subject matter stands far and out. It’s so easy for focus to shift onto other peoples business. And it’s more desirable to bring people down instead of just thinking ok they are happy and move on. I swear social media in some aspects has set people up for distraction. The more people comment on his posts good or bad he’s the one laughing not them.
I am doing a few projects at the moment some workshops and events planning. This is a few pages from a short story that I am writing. I think I should host some workshops to get more inspiration. The book is about running away a young girl running away but the reason why she is actually running away is to be confirmed. This is a write as I go along. I will be publishing it in print and hopefully sell it.
Ahhh ooo eeeeee
Ahhhhhhh Awwww beautiful you are
They call this one a bundle of joy
Ohhhh Ahhhhhhh wooopp haaaa
Cu cu cu googooo gagga
All engaged all eyes on the baby
Until it starts getting out of control.
Then we complain and panic
Get anxious annoyed.
My baba still ooohhh Awwww cutte
Why the heck we trying to control every single aspect of life. Um wanting to just enjoy a peice of the pie. We sooo controlled work takes over everything like money is a personified being.
So the title has nothing to do with the actual time I was waking up at 4:30am this was actually exhausting me out Even more through out the day. So I need to analyse and adjust the whole organisation way. Now it’s unnatural to be organised and perfect but that doesn’t mean to say that this is not unnatural for everyone. Just some people. Point I am making is that I forget I have a child and I have to incorporate the extra time spent with child and spent cooking and cleaning and sorting them out. I thought woooh I can just fly around the home because woo I am awake and child sleeping. He needs me to be available and aware for him. Not to be zombied out like I am having a hangover oh no. And that is how that felt. Head banging not smiling stomach rumbling.
BOOM! So I am trying to find good habits from my spending habits to the how can I experience life being a single mother with bare minimum. And how can I make a good upbringing for my child and how can I make it in the world of entrepreneurship and business in fashion jewelry and workshop Facilitating. I mean does this all sound unachievable like pooh loads of things to do. And I will find ways I’m just experimenting what works from what does not. Has anyone got any tips and ideas that we could spring bounce off?
One lesson that I will never forget
A lesson that doesn’t just belong to the streets
Everything is a crossing of roads
Between the decisions and the doing.
We can choose to forget this lesson
And get fully knocked over and dragged down the road to none existence.
The use of this creates uncertainty in the way people want you to think, feel, react and respond.
“buy this buy that, it’s everything you need and want”
Buy into this product that you don’t really want or need but of course you sold it nicely to me. I’ll buy one and thankyou.
You walk away realising that you have been duped the product is a fraud.
To look right look left listen and think!
So last night I was on YouTube and someone I recently followed was ranting on about Evilness and Satan and how our phones and tv screens are all portals to evil. Now this is scare mongering tactics. Although I do believe that our thoughts become reality if we focus to much on the negative or try to create something unnatural with thought like badmind on an other person. I stopped watching this person and unfollowed. I thought she was a bit irrational and scare mongering. Going over it asthough she was willing evil into her own life. She used the very thing she called evil which is a mobile phone. Now I am very aware that you cannot get away from technology these days. What really struck me is the fact that the speak of the devil is more difficult than dominant in the exploration of trying to get people in specific religions. Now everyone has their own reasons for why and for me I am not one to discriminate others for what they choose to do. I am not apart of a group apart from being an Artist a mother a Black woman and Caribbean. Some of these things are by choice and some are not. I never for a real good moment wish evil upon another person or try to compete unless it’s a competition and it’s a rule. I don’t have evil thoughts. I have some guilt if I passed on trying to help somone out or situations like this. I don’t focus on world domination, if how to get people onto my side. I don’t think I have a side. I have views and opinions but it’s not clusterd to other individuals. I mean I myself believe that I am able to choose how I treat people knowing that I have my own thoughts and what I do affects me and not a whole congregation. I am solely responsible for my actions and my environment. I have not committed anything that I have not owned upto and assessed from different view points in order to now move forward. For me the interior self is more clear than when you put on yourself exterior people. Guilt and need to impress becomes greater and more dominant. The more people in your life who have a different opinion in life may be able place words of disencouragement and fear of life itself in order to draw you into their way of life. For some believing in God or the universe isn’t enough. They then ask it depends on who you believe in. Well I believe in myself, I believe in God and Humanity. I believe that seeing people whole and pure until the understanding of at any point that they may have done something that I deem to be wrong in my opinion. So I try to see the person before the titles they give themselves. We all judge. So the only God can judge me response within Church is a contradiction because I feel people in there judging or is it my fear of people seemingly being somone else of who they are telling others they are. I feel naked in church. I am a spiritual person and this does not mean I meditate or sumon deities. Nope I don’t do that not to understanding of meditating. I’m tooo paranoid to even get involved in such. So I just focus in treating people with a respect. Though I do call people out on their disrespect. And scare mongering and the fact that my community still has no generational wealth but the churches are getting fatter and fatter recruiting more people. I can’t afford to go to Church. I was told by a Christian on the road side that if I do not go church and believe in Jesus that I will go to the firepit of Hell. Now unless they have trained their minds to think for themselves I say if I wasn’t in the right mind according to society I could have taken my life. Just hearing that messed up and then they drive off in their big cars. I have a phone conversation with a particular person that now I am thinking wow he’s a narcissistic man and I have to protect myself from this type of person. He talks about the Bible and he’s kinda got into the I know this what do you kno. And I am hear to teach you sort of thing. I have grown up in church school and in church and I knew from ages ago that I am spiritual, being in a church made me feel suffocating and dislike people because I could see through them in a sense.