So lately I have been looking at the thing called gratitude. I have been reading and watching YouTube videos. I am trying to look more within because my surroundings lack self-confidence, motivation and knowledge. It also lacks empathy. I have natural empathy but It’s been unable to flow freely as people find it easy to offload and not listen to my own problems. In reading about mindfulness gratitude it has helped me to see the problems I may think are there and see what good is there. I guess stress is more reciprocated than happiness. I just want to be able to smile without feeling guilty of even having a smile. I want to cry and not have to apologise for making someone feel uncomfortable. Want to sing out loud and wear what I want. I want to give up eating meat it makes me feel like ugh but I eat what is in front of me and what I know. So I have not put my own self-love boundaries and worth out there but I am working on it. Through writing my gratitude Daily I am appreciating the small things that I miss out through materialism and being impatient and being angry or trying to impress.
My looking into myself has given me the permission to understand my flaws and accept also to allow myself to not feel a guilt of feeling how I do. And to catch myself going out of line. And trying to see how people view me whether right or wrong.
Thoughts of gratitude mixed up with self-love for me is knowing my body. Like I am looking after a child. How do I do this well I am aware of what not to eat but I am not disciplined enough to eliminate things because I am conditioned and used to what I know. I have to work on the unknowing in order for me to have a healthy interior and exterior. My guilty thing is eating chicken and dairy still it Messes up my IBS. but I am grateful for the food that is presented and provided to me I guess I have to prepare my own food and have self-discipline.
Since I have started my gratitude journaling I have realised that my energy has not been so negative rather positive and uplifting. It’s taking myself to understand what is often misunderstood and covered up with egos. Yet I am able to see through people as well I am seeing clearer but not just seeing the bad or the good but the in-between. It’s having the silence to see what is happening over being too noisy and confrontational.
I asked how do you do this
To the space of silence
Waiting for the one woman who could
Answer this question
But no answer received as she lay
Down eyes closed lifeless
Empty bodied nothing but the image
Of the lively person Was all I knew.
How do I live with out you.
Because all my life I was always around you.
You were my nana and it’s taken me ages to place you in passed tense, because saying was felt like I was disrespecting you, I mean you are a ‘you are’.
In reality you are a was and I can’t get my head around this. I can imagine the things that you say and do. And you aren’t doing them now.
What kind of reality are we living in. You are really not here. Some try to say that you are looking down on us that you are close by.
I have you in my heart just didn’t prepare myself for not being able to see you again.
I love you nana x
so I am back at the reflective door asking what does it mean to have self-love, It is a difficult question to ask knowing that our society is rich on our self-hate and insecurities, knowing that they sell death to us and we buy into it. Knowing that what harms us is far more adventurous that what is for us. We buy into temporary happiness and then pay for it in permanent regret. Its like backhand knowledge is thrown back because life is too short or I have already been doing it for years and I am okay. Does society want us to love ourselves? is this a societal problem or a self-inflicted one?
I have times where I have bouts of energy and motivation do workouts eat what I think is right drink water feel happy. look at healthy recipes and all that. when I fall off that momentum I end up feeling bad for the rubbish I eat I know it’s wrong but I become lazy and demotivated. When I drink fizzy drinks its full of sugar and nasties and take part in eating southern fried chicken or any chicken. I sometimes enjoy it and other times I’m like ugh I don`t eat meat but I did try some kebab the other day curiously. Then I realised that I don’t like the flesh but the taste and I know that isn’t all that healthy. I enjoy the spices and the salt and the heat in the foods. Knowing that eating meat or chicken hurts my stomach. It’s like I know but I have not disciplined myself to do what I need to do for myself. If I were my child I would be watching everything being eaten and outright saying no or yes to things waiting by making sure they are ok.
Does self-love come from a place of self-discipline? I believe so because when we pronounce the love for someone else or something else we put our all in. When its self its like oh I will just do this eat that go there say that it’s okay. I will stop tomorrow or start tomorrow or next week. So I am speaking from a single mum that lives at home point of view. Well, that maybe my own barrier and excuse and I guess little changes and mindsets could come into practice again if it has a chance to marinate and stick. I and my son have a new place to live so we are well excited and I want to put things in place. Such as a different way to eat and day plan making.
one of my plans would be cooking plans, healthy dinner ideas and how to save money and be healthy at the same time. It would just be me and my son. This would be a new experience cooking for just two people. And then cooking for guest as they come. My aim is to cook with fewer animal products and more vegetable and non-dairy products.To be able to cook a lot of things from scratch such as biscuits, crackers, cookies and pasta about everything that I would be paying a lot of money for. So my basics. I would need to find the safest easiest way to keep food fresh focusing on the baked item mentioned above. I guess it would be down to measuring and how much I make. I`ll put this down to food preparations. The planning will prevent wasting food and also be getting used to new ways of eating even though I have been practising with new dishes and my son enjoys what he’s tried so far. I have many friends that eat similar to me so I have no issue with that at all.
My second aim is to be health conscious fit and healthy under budget. This will consist of me having a time of leisure as in going to the gym or working out at home whilst child is at nursery but budgeting my cost. watching my weight management, changing the things I comfort eat with. Finding ways to detox because of my Ibs it is essential that I am able to detox and clean out the toxins. With the food preparations, I will be taking my own food out over buying food from the shops unless it is te kind that I am ok with. The last thing needed is to eat something wrong in public and fall with a bad stomach ache which had happened to me many of times. And recently in consuming macaroni Cheese. No Thankyou! I want my image to be more refined to how I want to look. Not that I am not happy with my image just that I know who I want to be or am which is an Artist but to fully full fill my personal goals I must be disciplined and focused which goes for every aspect of life. No, I am aware of my status but I can`t go a miss on myself whilst being a mother.
Third aim, well this is before my first. is to be able to do more activities with my son most or some which don’t consist with spending any money what so ever. Trying to cut cost but also win at the life we want at the same time. Find adventures and actually enjoy them and learn from. I really wanted to homeschool my son but because I am at the brink start up stage of my business I have to be able to earn and look after the house my son all at the same time, This is and would be challenging but I guess I am not the only person doing this. I believe that why my son will be learning I will be too. It is important to think outside the box instead of in it. It can limit us and I have been somewhat limited myself. Playtime and learning alongside is important, and the parents having that time for the children is also. I dread having to work for an institution that does not allow time for family time.
A few of my creations art quotes lyrics and poetry.
In a world that changes constantly we are bombarded with the ideals told by idealist adopted by hopefullists and the rebels tend to pull away from the Normality of the happeningistisms. We tend to reach outward self rather than reach in. The ones that are individualist either scream silently or loudly stand out or look most mysterious. Now I am talking about personal style preferences and presentation. How we want to feel outside must reflect the inside. The side of us that is child like but we keep telling it to shut up because the outside world can’t deal with children. It’s we can’t deal with self but we need to find a space. I need to find a space In accepting. Let our child speak they are limitless until we refine them into this makeshift of a world. We have no fears unless the fear created Has a momentum in mind. The fear is nothing with out emotion and imagination that we create ourselves. I am going to challenge myself into being the best version of self in any circumstances and over obstacles that we face. Some times we have to feel the burn and understand the reason why it burns before putting it out with water. I guess it’s to easy to not want to feel the reality and understand it instead of being overly comfortable not thinking there is a need for progression.