Guilt is actually another personification

Guilt is actually another personification

Growing up the fear of the unknown has been stronger than the knowing. The knowing was something,  taken for granted whilst the unknown something that really stuck subconsciously. As though what was unknown was some sort of monstrous thing. I was always the child who would over think and over Compensate. Always wanting people to be happy and see good in people. I say that I am an empathetic person and I think it stems from always listening to people. From a young age, maybe being told things that I could not handle myself being young. I could not heal, cure or solve any of what was told to me. I see the problems in this situation. I was there for people but not being able to actively call out for help.  Actually tried to deal with myself and others wow!.  It has been one struggle that  I have perfected. Noticing whether I am able to take on someone’s problem. Or simply sit and listen without letting the problem cling to me. I’ve learned to block the connection where I’d take it all on when I could barely handle.  And balance what was actually going on with myself. It does kind of affect how I look at the future for my child, I am very protective of people telling child-adult problems it’s not their problems and the child should not be prepared to deal with such situations. I lived the rest of my life picking up and attracting people I can help not purposely just seemed to happen. Don’t get me wrong I love the people in my life but my love relationships never been stable. I never truly met anyone who would just let me relax and be myself I’ve always been on the edge thinking the worst is going to happen. The easiest thing was to walk away. I learned that if something does not feel right it most probably isn’t.

In the black community having mental health problems is deemed to be a taboo. Especially in the wider community. This is not just a UK or an American thing this is something that is embedded within. In my community, it’s easier to go to church and get people to pray for you and cast the devil out of you than it is to actually be seen by a counsellor or Doctor. In the westernised world the black people are seen to be able to cope. Be able to cope with rejection, with our children being treated differently. With jobs not being created to cater for us. With the stereotypes that would not be created had the word equal opportunities really exist in what it should be. If systematical Racism wasn’t a thing. I could talk about this for a while but this doesn’t affect most of the readers reading this. It’s a knock on effect if something is limited to one community but is plenty to another like generational wealth, less stereotypical tagging. More of a comfortable environment. None over exaggeration in expressed conversations just because of the colour of skin or cultural differences. I mean we know there are white people, black people, Asian people and more. Yet we still have this falseness and exploratory attitude. My babies are ready to face racism. Ready to be fetishised. Ready to grow up and be strong before it’s time to be. I am struggling with the inner child in me because I forgot when the last time was that I could just be a free spirit just be as free as I could see other kids. So I am working on this so I can be who I need to be for my son. The whole religious thing has me. I am in no argument with God or the universe or the highest. However, it needs to be addressed that I am a part conflict with people or is it with myself.

That thing they call gratitude 

That thing they call gratitude 

So lately I have been looking at the thing called gratitude. I have been reading and watching YouTube videos. I am trying to look more within because my surroundings lack self-confidence, motivation and knowledge. It also lacks empathy. I have natural empathy but It’s been unable to flow freely as people find it easy to offload and not listen to my own problems. In reading about mindfulness gratitude it has helped me to see the problems I may think are there and see what good is there. I guess stress is more reciprocated than happiness. I just want to be able to smile without feeling guilty of even having a smile. I want to cry and not have to apologise for making someone feel uncomfortable. Want to sing out loud and wear what I want. I want to give up eating meat it makes me feel like ugh but I eat what is in front of me and what I know. So I have not put my own self-love boundaries and worth out there but I am working on it. Through writing my gratitude Daily I am appreciating the small things that I miss out through materialism and being impatient and being angry or trying to impress.

My looking into myself has given me the permission to understand my flaws and accept also to allow myself to not feel a guilt of feeling how I do. And to catch myself going out of line. And trying to see how people view me whether right or wrong.

Thoughts of gratitude mixed up with self-love for me is knowing my body. Like I am looking after a child. How do I do this well I am aware of what not to eat but I am not disciplined enough to eliminate things because I am conditioned and used to what I know. I have to work on the unknowing in order for me to have a healthy interior and exterior. My guilty thing is eating chicken and dairy still it Messes up my IBS. but I am grateful for the food that is presented and provided to me I guess I have to prepare my own food and have self-discipline.

Since I have started my gratitude journaling I have realised that my energy has not been so negative rather positive and uplifting. It’s taking myself to understand what is often misunderstood and covered up with egos. Yet I am able to see through people as well I am seeing clearer but not just seeing the bad or the good but the in-between. It’s having the silence to see what is happening over being too noisy and confrontational.

Looking at my reality 

Looking at my reality 

I have engaged in Art projects around Nottingham and willing to push further out into the East Midlands region. My art form personally is poetry and jewellery design but I can see myself being more of a mixed visual experimental artist. I have a wider outstanding experience in the industry I have always wanted to be a part of. I have had academic set backs during school and college due to my dyslexia that was diagnosed in university and English and maths academia. If I was to go back through the system I would ask the teacher certain questions but I understand that they are working to live and the school is only standing on passing grades but most things they teach has nothing to do with life skills. Our kids bust their brains learning things that will never help them get a job or how to be confident. Children are taught how to be quite. For convenience of others. Children are not supposed to be that quiet. They are meant to be what their age is. They are quickly suppressed then we get suicidal, secretive angry teenagers who have been told to shut up and respect the orders. How are they supposed to repect when respect has not been shown. It’s frustrating that I feel a lot freer now. The people who have respect for me and my work or help I would never imagine in a hundred years. I believe that a child should grasp as much of the world as it’s mind can digest the school system does not make the minds eat real knowledge. It forces paper and rules down their mouth. Rules are OK as long as they don’t demean the person. 

she wants to fall in love ey

she wants to fall in love ey

She said

shush! gosh
I really want to fall in love
I want to
be squeezed that tight
 I kinda loose my breath
Then he lets me go
Repeatedly holding me
Let my second lips start to talk
they can’t wait to talk
and laugh and cackle
but…
hmm
I can’t do it right now
I can barely take this.
And he will just hold me right?
Or is it all in my head that he would really
Want to talk deeper but without words
let his second
 mind communicate
or should I just become all  cold
I mean I get all scared and
tell them lips to shut
the fuck up
like they get me in trouble
feel like regurgitating at the
waist line when, I see him
um like a volcano ready to
erupt
like a fizzy bottle of pop
been all shook up
like Elvis Presley
let the fairytale go

let the fairytale go

once upon a time

a child was born

his ears where hidden

eyes closed

his mind was fed unrealistic

expectations

sat in front of the tv watching Disney films

cartoons

things that didn’t look like his everyday world

it blocked out the reality

it blocked out his light

fairy tales are lies

the same lies his parents

are trying to denounce him

don’t lie they tell him

but why shouldn’t he lie

when lying is what adults do best.

And we all hide under the baby blanket close

ears to reality and truth

like its the rapture coming to get us.

 

 

To be continued ….