Feeling unavailable r

Feeling unavailable r

Sometimes you can feel unavailable but available at the same time. I have felt this alot. And maybe a source of irrational panic of wanting to help out and give advice all the time. Don’t no what Bipolar feels like but sort of could imagine it in small ways. Like high energy and burst of. Come to a realisation of myself and its not that I didn’t notice its just that I carried on. And didn’t do what’s in my nature instead I created a paranamic view of everything and everyone in my life and started panicking Trying to help out. I am a single mother who is an artist with plenty of opportunity’s. And sometimes I want to share everything even to the free bottle of wine. Not even sure how I come across maybe pushy. I have a nack for research and finding focus groups coupons and free things and I don’t stop. So let’s say I am not looking for a normal traditional job but what I am passionate about. And I have this it’s my show mentality I am fully aware of it and its just one of those things especially if it’s just you and child in the house no adult to talk to then suddenly an adult calls and such you can’t stop talking and you’re on high energy. Where is it from like what is all of that. Then Boom! Poof you get a low or no one is interested or you are feeling a bit pushy trying to save the world with an invisible hero cape! Soaring through. So I dig into my past and I am like why do I panic for other people when I clearly can’t see it around me. Like everyone seems to be sane like laid back and probably doing what makes them feel good. Where as me not really living my truth and knowing or understanding if the messenger or helper was a given. Or I just adopted it by accident and ran with it. Understanding that it will be a journey for it all to change and for me to stop giving advice and attention and focus on me and my son. Keep my lips sealed and nod or say bare minimum. I have to go cold turkey and be selfish keep my advice to myself my free things. The new nack and listen more. Probably use my energy to transfer into something else. Stay away from people for a few days or weeks. Don’t know if anyone else feels like this at all. Just learning how to keep my business to myself and invest in me to move forward. Has anyone got a similar story?

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2017

2017

2017

The year I lost my nana

Felt what fear, loss and love really felt like.

Faced my nan and held her hands tight.

But, for the first time she couldn’t hear me right.

Didn’t see her smile or feel her breathing.

Saw death for the first time.

Was my nana laying there.

No more work for you to do nana

You can lay there and rest now,

No more pain nana

It’s strange to me to not hear your voice.

Right now it’s but apart of my imagination.

I knew I’d be facing this reality one day. Just didn’t kno how much pain really feels.

I used to miss people but that now seems like a joke to me coz I can still see those people but I can never see you again.

The day you passed away I walked into your house and all I could smell was you. X

 

 

Concentrate on

Concentrate on

Imagine all that understanding of your self was more important than gossip and what’s on the tv. More important than just putting anything into it like a garbage bin. Imagine that you cared for your body and protected it like a religious person protects their beliefs. Imagine how you could actively protect your own belongings and that’s you. We protect babies and not ourselves like we just give up. I get myself In trouble for protecting myself. Even the information and people’s presence can get in. Our bodies are the only ones we have. It’s so easy to project care onto objects and things that can occupy the space in our minds. With things that don’t really matter. Sometimes I get curious why putting on my makeup wrongly does not get to me at all. I just rub it off and reapply. I am a mother who doesn’t have the time to glam up. Working on it but it’s not too important. This could get me angry and upset when it’s just an eye brow. My time is best spent focusing on something I kno needs my time. We need to kno what our time is spent on whether it’s wasted time or productive time. I waste time on social media that is only if I am not doing anything productive. That is my guilty pleasure I guess. Depends how you define that.

(will be writing more)

 

Ahhh ooo eeeeee

Ahhhhhhh Awwww beautiful you are

They call this one a bundle of joy

A

Miracle

A

Diamond

A

Ohhhh Ahhhhhhh wooopp haaaa

Cu cu cu googooo gagga

All engaged all eyes on the baby

Until it starts getting out of control.

Then we complain and panic

Get anxious annoyed.

My baba still ooohhh Awwww cutte

Why the heck we trying to control every single aspect of life. Um wanting to just enjoy a peice of the pie. We sooo controlled work takes over everything like money is a personified being.

Rant over

How do you grieve 

How do you grieve 

I asked how do you do this 

To the space of silence 

Waiting for the one woman who could 

Answer this question 

But no answer received as she lay 

Down eyes closed lifeless 

Empty bodied nothing but the image 

Of the lively person Was all I knew. 

How do I live with out you. 

How 

Because all my life I was always around you. 

You were my nana and it’s taken me ages to place you in passed tense, because saying was felt like I was disrespecting you, I mean you are a ‘you are’. 

In reality you are a was and I can’t get my head around this. I can imagine the things that you say and do. And you aren’t doing them now. 

What kind of reality are we living in. You are really not here. Some try to say that you are looking down on us that you are close by. 

I have you in my heart just didn’t prepare myself for not being able to see you again. 
I love you nana x 

They question feminity

They question feminity

I keep seeing articles

and you tubes about

how black women are not feminine

how we need to settle down get married

be someone’s wife

yes I said we

because I am a black woman too.

I question femininity because

I don’t know what that looks like

not dissing my community but the whole

society as a whole.

I cannot be a damsel in distress

if the only time I feel feminine or deemed

feminine is when a male can see or feel

in-between my thighs

like sex is just a daydream

treat the woman good

its not being treated good

its being used

and treat

her like a dirty piece of wasteland

once the deed is done.

parents need to fix up

we got a whole mix up in here

young girls seeing mom and dad

at war fighting throwing punches

girls at school as young as 4 having themselves

being touched in the wrong places

but society didn’t teach her yet

how wrong this is.

You see when a young girl sees and feels all of

these things why should she grow

up accepting things

that made her uncomfortable.

Then you see all these Articles on how Femininity

is Killing the black Families

well it starts from home

if you cannot protect

to teach your child

then whats wrong in Society are

the adults.

 

 

By Raisa Mcclarey Francis