That thing they call gratitude 

That thing they call gratitude 

So lately I have been looking at the thing called gratitude. I have been reading and watching YouTube videos. I am trying to look more within because my surroundings lack self-confidence, motivation and knowledge. It also lacks empathy. I have natural empathy but It’s been unable to flow freely as people find it easy to offload and not listen to my own problems. In reading about mindfulness gratitude it has helped me to see the problems I may think are there and see what good is there. I guess stress is more reciprocated than happiness. I just want to be able to smile without feeling guilty of even having a smile. I want to cry and not have to apologise for making someone feel uncomfortable. Want to sing out loud and wear what I want. I want to give up eating meat it makes me feel like ugh but I eat what is in front of me and what I know. So I have not put my own self-love boundaries and worth out there but I am working on it. Through writing my gratitude Daily I am appreciating the small things that I miss out through materialism and being impatient and being angry or trying to impress.

My looking into myself has given me the permission to understand my flaws and accept also to allow myself to not feel a guilt of feeling how I do. And to catch myself going out of line. And trying to see how people view me whether right or wrong.

Thoughts of gratitude mixed up with self-love for me is knowing my body. Like I am looking after a child. How do I do this well I am aware of what not to eat but I am not disciplined enough to eliminate things because I am conditioned and used to what I know. I have to work on the unknowing in order for me to have a healthy interior and exterior. My guilty thing is eating chicken and dairy still it Messes up my IBS. but I am grateful for the food that is presented and provided to me I guess I have to prepare my own food and have self-discipline.

Since I have started my gratitude journaling I have realised that my energy has not been so negative rather positive and uplifting. It’s taking myself to understand what is often misunderstood and covered up with egos. Yet I am able to see through people as well I am seeing clearer but not just seeing the bad or the good but the in-between. It’s having the silence to see what is happening over being too noisy and confrontational.

Back at the reflection (was meant to post a while back)

Back at the reflection (was meant to post a while back)

so I am back at the reflective door asking what does it mean to have self-love, It is a difficult question to ask knowing that our society is rich on our self-hate and insecurities, knowing that they sell death to us and we buy into it. Knowing that what harms us is far more adventurous that what is for us. We buy into temporary happiness and then pay for it in permanent regret. Its like backhand knowledge is thrown back because life is too short or I have already been doing it for years and I am okay. Does society want us to love ourselves? is this a societal problem or a self-inflicted one?

I have times where I have bouts of energy and motivation do workouts eat what I think is right drink water feel happy. look at healthy recipes and all that. when I fall off that momentum I end up feeling bad for the rubbish I eat I know it’s wrong but I become lazy and demotivated.  When I drink fizzy drinks its full of sugar and nasties and take part in eating southern fried chicken or any chicken.  I sometimes enjoy it and other times I’m like ugh I don`t eat meat but I did try some kebab the other day curiously. Then I realised that I don’t like the flesh but the taste and I know that isn’t all that healthy. I enjoy the spices and the salt and the heat in the foods. Knowing that eating meat or chicken hurts my stomach. It’s like I know but I have not disciplined myself to do what I need to do for myself. If I were my child I would be watching everything being eaten and outright saying no or yes to things waiting by making sure they are ok.

Does self-love come from a place of self-discipline? I  believe so because when we pronounce the love for someone else or something else we put our all in. When its self its like oh I will just do this eat that go there say that it’s okay. I will stop tomorrow or start tomorrow or next week. So I am speaking from a single mum that lives at home point of view. Well, that maybe my own barrier and excuse and I guess little changes and mindsets could come into practice again if it has a chance to marinate and stick. I and my son have a new place to live so we are well excited and I want to put things in place. Such as a different way to eat and day plan making.

one of my plans would be cooking plans, healthy dinner ideas and how to save money and be healthy at the same time. It would just be me and my son. This would be a  new experience cooking for just two people. And then cooking for guest as they come. My aim is to cook with fewer animal products and more vegetable and non-dairy products.To be able to cook a lot of things from scratch such as biscuits, crackers, cookies and pasta about everything that I would be paying a lot of money for.  So my basics. I would need to find the safest easiest way to keep food fresh focusing on the baked item mentioned above. I guess it would be down to measuring and how much I make. I`ll put this down to food preparations. The planning will prevent wasting food and also be getting used to new ways of eating even though I have been practising with new dishes and my son enjoys what he’s tried so far. I have many friends that eat similar to me so I have no issue with that at all.

My second aim is to be health conscious fit and healthy under budget. This will consist of me having a time of leisure as in going to the gym or working out at home whilst child is at nursery but budgeting my cost. watching my weight management, changing the things I comfort eat with. Finding ways to detox because of my Ibs it is essential that I am able to detox and clean out the toxins. With the food preparations, I will be taking my own food out over buying food from the shops unless it is te kind that I am ok with. The last thing needed is to eat something wrong in public and fall with a bad stomach ache which had happened to me many of times. And recently in consuming macaroni Cheese. No Thankyou!  I want my image to be more refined to how I want to look. Not that I am not happy with my image just that I know who I want to be or am which is an Artist but to fully full fill my personal goals I must be disciplined and focused which goes for every aspect of life. No, I am aware of my status but I can`t go a miss on myself whilst being a mother.

 

Third aim, well this is before my first. is to be able to do more activities with my son most or some which don’t consist with spending any money what so ever. Trying to cut cost but also win at the life we want at the same time. Find adventures and actually enjoy them and learn from. I really wanted to homeschool my son but because I am at the brink start up stage of my business I have to be able to earn and look after the house my son all at the same time, This is and would be challenging but I guess I am not the only person doing this. I believe that why my son will be learning I will be too. It is important to think outside the box instead of in it. It can limit us and I have been somewhat limited myself. Playtime and learning alongside is important, and the parents having that time for the children is also. I dread having to work for an institution that does not allow time for family time.

Actually

Actually

Dust fell on top

of my left eyelid

it was light but somewhat heavy

it felt like how we mystify the stars

in the sky when they are really rocks

or the soft falling of snow

that freezes your eyeball

no It felt somewhat comforting

uno a piece of speckly dust

that chose to fall on my eye

unlike sitting on the bus or

the tram with an empty space

beside of me

watching people dodge the seat or

sit down only because….

but this speck of dust chose me.

sounds strange but we miss the things

that now seem unimportant to us

in exchange for the things that are really

not that important to us.

we can dismiss the falling of the leaves

and the coming of new leaves

just like we forget what we had to do

in order to make a weeks lunch for

the family.

I guess we should write our down comings

so we don’t forget how human we are

trying to be inhuman and not knowing

how to cope in a world that expects us to be

superhuman like the films we binge watch

trying to create a world that is only for the screen

and when the film finishes

put the news on.

And then

And then

reality kicks in

the war is still on and no

I cannot see no superhuman hero

flying in the sky

saving those dying kids

putting out that fire

fighting those baddies

argghhh Baddies if only

what we put our most into

What

served us its time.

time spent in an unrealistic

world.

 

what obstecals do we face

what obstecals do we face

what obstacles do you face?

we face things like self-doubt

self hate

we put words in our minds

and swear someone else has said it

we look into the mirror

and sigh each time coz that person

looking back is the only one

that can keep us down

I guess it’s when we can’t look into

our own reflection

well for me its familiarising

myself from the one I think I look like

from the inside or is it the other way around?

It’s the use of negative language that has become

so natural

it’s not being able to celebrate self in case others

feel away.

it’s saying sorry for your happiness as though it’s

a curse.

It’s building up imaginary blocks

imagining yourself climbing it

no Imagining yourself not climbing it

because you are far too afraid of falling

and having to get back up again.

gETTING ABIT jiggled up

gETTING ABIT jiggled up

Its abit okey dokey ish about things like were the head at does  it,  listen really?

Do you always listen to yourself? or do you get trapped into putting more information on top of what you are supposed to,  like second guessing, Well my hands are up I always do this its like the glass is never full,  with more things to do and my head feels like a chicken on the chicken run going to school to pick up her kids, JOKes aside,

Its for real tho we live in a society where material things are like the best thing, It really isnt but for me making material things is like winning the lottery I am soo proud of myself like did these hands of mine create something that just popped into my mind and wallaaaa its there . Yano its never enough sometimes. Like to be able to want material things now and turn off the fact that I could am willing to make a life career for me and my son or do I just sit there on Facebook.  Watching those loved up and making things for themselves. And then I get a click like who am I kidding am I really going to watch people that seem to be rich in the hand and maybe not as rich in the mind, I guess it’s twooo completely different, I mean who I am is who I am born to be, Its like you see those that have a made life for them. uno married kids, driving and now owns a house, the same ones that you grew up with and them you once shared food with, Don’t seem to want to give you a lift up. They cannot offer you a phone call a lift up. And then I get another moment it told me that okay do you really want these people to lift you up?

that is something you must ask yourself, we could and I could sit here watching my phone and nothing coming through. Or I could sit at my desk throwing out some designs and creating art writing on my blog, And think of games to play and outings  for my son. Sometimes lonely times make you feel like the outcast or the child in primary school that all of a sudden has a lurgy bug and they want to run away from you, Or they want to just visit you to say what they have.  yeeha aaa. It’s all hormonal and it will pass for tomorrow. Its like this you are either privileged with it all or privileged with nothing.

Looking at my reality 

Looking at my reality 

I have engaged in Art projects around Nottingham and willing to push further out into the East Midlands region. My art form personally is poetry and jewellery design but I can see myself being more of a mixed visual experimental artist. I have a wider outstanding experience in the industry I have always wanted to be a part of. I have had academic set backs during school and college due to my dyslexia that was diagnosed in university and English and maths academia. If I was to go back through the system I would ask the teacher certain questions but I understand that they are working to live and the school is only standing on passing grades but most things they teach has nothing to do with life skills. Our kids bust their brains learning things that will never help them get a job or how to be confident. Children are taught how to be quite. For convenience of others. Children are not supposed to be that quiet. They are meant to be what their age is. They are quickly suppressed then we get suicidal, secretive angry teenagers who have been told to shut up and respect the orders. How are they supposed to repect when respect has not been shown. It’s frustrating that I feel a lot freer now. The people who have respect for me and my work or help I would never imagine in a hundred years. I believe that a child should grasp as much of the world as it’s mind can digest the school system does not make the minds eat real knowledge. It forces paper and rules down their mouth. Rules are OK as long as they don’t demean the person.