Sometimes you can feel unavailable but available at the same time. I have felt this alot. And maybe a source of irrational panic of wanting to help out and give advice all the time. Don’t no what Bipolar feels like but sort of could imagine it in small ways. Like high energy and burst of. Come to a realisation of myself and its not that I didn’t notice its just that I carried on. And didn’t do what’s in my nature instead I created a paranamic view of everything and everyone in my life and started panicking Trying to help out. I am a single mother who is an artist with plenty of opportunity’s. And sometimes I want to share everything even to the free bottle of wine. Not even sure how I come across maybe pushy. I have a nack for research and finding focus groups coupons and free things and I don’t stop. So let’s say I am not looking for a normal traditional job but what I am passionate about. And I have this it’s my show mentality I am fully aware of it and its just one of those things especially if it’s just you and child in the house no adult to talk to then suddenly an adult calls and such you can’t stop talking and you’re on high energy. Where is it from like what is all of that. Then Boom! Poof you get a low or no one is interested or you are feeling a bit pushy trying to save the world with an invisible hero cape! Soaring through. So I dig into my past and I am like why do I panic for other people when I clearly can’t see it around me. Like everyone seems to be sane like laid back and probably doing what makes them feel good. Where as me not really living my truth and knowing or understanding if the messenger or helper was a given. Or I just adopted it by accident and ran with it. Understanding that it will be a journey for it all to change and for me to stop giving advice and attention and focus on me and my son. Keep my lips sealed and nod or say bare minimum. I have to go cold turkey and be selfish keep my advice to myself my free things. The new nack and listen more. Probably use my energy to transfer into something else. Stay away from people for a few days or weeks. Don’t know if anyone else feels like this at all. Just learning how to keep my business to myself and invest in me to move forward. Has anyone got a similar story?
Check out my podcast, R ARTIST , on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/raisa-artist-Mcclarey-Fra
So I have started doing podcast because I have things to say. It may not be politically right but then again what is politically right or correct. Somethings are just thoughts and opinions until more people accept it or accustomise themselves to the findings or opinions more will agree with. Or disagree with. I aim at the point where its okay to just share with others.
Why oh why
Can’t I get my self together
Slightly rightly tightly
But I am tired.
Single mom syndrome
Nope don’t agree erm
You are doing very well they say
From the outside looking in
When you well and kno
Sometimes it feels like you are doing
An awful job. I mean you can’t even get ya sen dressed not looking nice
Only just pulled ya socks on and
Out the door dodge mirrors and say we are ok things are looking up.
You send child to nursery and walk along the road side see homeless and wish you were Superhero.
Don’t worry child things will get better.
Feeling intuned with many things minds popping because material things are just another skin, another you.
Whilst these things are not accessible you learn the skin your in I guess for me I learn more from being without and slowly becoming comfortable. The whole you are doing well is not helpful sometimes that I want to be invisible like my single mother status does not define me. It’s a fact and maybe all I kno. I guess this society sees this as a negative thing I see it slightly especially if something was to happen to me and my son and their is no one to come and protect us. When I hear coupled people going through something like needing help from the partners I’ve learned to not hold malice and just except that, it is a privilege that they have a family unite. Being a single parent you have to be both masculine and feminine and I have felt like I have been forgetting my feminine energy their for not attracting anyone as such. This writing has gone everywhere but I guess writing in the real world isn’t all calm and smooth.
What is happiness?
What is happiness?
What is happiness?
Could you please put the sun out
When it’s meant to be winter and make it rain when it’s too hot
Make my job pay me to sit around.
Make expensive clothes cheaper.
Let me forget the fact that this designer peice has been created by the hands of a child, similar age to my son.
Let my eyes not care because this world well I’m sort of invisible so let’s be viable. Let me not pay taxes and eat a load of food for free!
Not ideal but there are some people who expect things to be just easy. With things being easy means not caring for other people in order for it to be easy for you it must be harder for someone else. Something or someone has to suffer in expencr for it to be easy.
This isn’t my reality, but we live in a culture where everyone moans about the things that are unessasry and expect to do nothing. In order to gain the world
OK so this is just a chat write. Been analysing my own behaviour towards a whole lot of things that is a choice to ignore or acknowledge. I am at the point where if I don’t acknowledge and analyse I cannot move forward. It takes a lot to adjust to the self conscious analysis state. If someone don’t understand, it’s where you are able to reason with why you react to a situation be it bad or good. However you will explain this. It’s how you feel about it how you react and the outcome. I guess it’s normal to have mini celebrations on small successes but how do we continue the phase of work and success in receiving good results from the task. It’s a continual development. I have also been watching how I react to situations that present themselves to me. Especially when my lil man is in distress or if I am. It’s like ok for myself I have to listen to me. And for him maybe he just wants to sit by me and cuddle. Yes exactly being able to be still. Calm and collectively listening to my lil bab, is something I am working on more and more. It’s the patience in itself that creates better spaces. Also being able to work on my intuition and do what I felt was right in the first place. Like I am able to talk to more people than I had been whilst walking on my own in the morning watching people commuting to work in the city centre. I smile more and say hello more. It has made me feel more relaxed and open to meet new people. It’s difficult at first but it gets easier. I just hope I keeps it going.
Left a place for you to sit
Not met you yet,
Not heard your voice yet.
But I hold a place in this space for you.
No confusion of conflicts about this
Your place in this space.
Your space in a heart waiting for yours to
Sit next to.