Feeling unavailable r

Feeling unavailable r

Sometimes you can feel unavailable but available at the same time. I have felt this alot. And maybe a source of irrational panic of wanting to help out and give advice all the time. Don’t no what Bipolar feels like but sort of could imagine it in small ways. Like high energy and burst of. Come to a realisation of myself and its not that I didn’t notice its just that I carried on. And didn’t do what’s in my nature instead I created a paranamic view of everything and everyone in my life and started panicking Trying to help out. I am a single mother who is an artist with plenty of opportunity’s. And sometimes I want to share everything even to the free bottle of wine. Not even sure how I come across maybe pushy. I have a nack for research and finding focus groups coupons and free things and I don’t stop. So let’s say I am not looking for a normal traditional job but what I am passionate about. And I have this it’s my show mentality I am fully aware of it and its just one of those things especially if it’s just you and child in the house no adult to talk to then suddenly an adult calls and such you can’t stop talking and you’re on high energy. Where is it from like what is all of that. Then Boom! Poof you get a low or no one is interested or you are feeling a bit pushy trying to save the world with an invisible hero cape! Soaring through. So I dig into my past and I am like why do I panic for other people when I clearly can’t see it around me. Like everyone seems to be sane like laid back and probably doing what makes them feel good. Where as me not really living my truth and knowing or understanding if the messenger or helper was a given. Or I just adopted it by accident and ran with it. Understanding that it will be a journey for it all to change and for me to stop giving advice and attention and focus on me and my son. Keep my lips sealed and nod or say bare minimum. I have to go cold turkey and be selfish keep my advice to myself my free things. The new nack and listen more. Probably use my energy to transfer into something else. Stay away from people for a few days or weeks. Don’t know if anyone else feels like this at all. Just learning how to keep my business to myself and invest in me to move forward. Has anyone got a similar story?

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Concentrate on

Concentrate on

Imagine all that understanding of your self was more important than gossip and what’s on the tv. More important than just putting anything into it like a garbage bin. Imagine that you cared for your body and protected it like a religious person protects their beliefs. Imagine how you could actively protect your own belongings and that’s you. We protect babies and not ourselves like we just give up. I get myself In trouble for protecting myself. Even the information and people’s presence can get in. Our bodies are the only ones we have. It’s so easy to project care onto objects and things that can occupy the space in our minds. With things that don’t really matter. Sometimes I get curious why putting on my makeup wrongly does not get to me at all. I just rub it off and reapply. I am a mother who doesn’t have the time to glam up. Working on it but it’s not too important. This could get me angry and upset when it’s just an eye brow. My time is best spent focusing on something I kno needs my time. We need to kno what our time is spent on whether it’s wasted time or productive time. I waste time on social media that is only if I am not doing anything productive. That is my guilty pleasure I guess. Depends how you define that.

(will be writing more)

 

In bed 00:37

In bed 00:37

UK time I’m in bed and America fb interactions are more appealing than my sleep though I will sleep soon. Just in ranting confused arrrghhh mood like Do we really focus all our time on things that don’t really matter. Like still as adults. For real when there are things like sorting out the house and family ok maybe we could find different more advanced and exciting ways to engage In such, we will talk about this in another post. It just strikes me being a black woman in a westernised world where I could sit down and say they don’t like me. I don’t fit in. Raaraaraa. It’s the facts and yes I am Black lives matter not disrespecting anyone elses lives whilst I am fully aware of my own. It’s like you see my child he is 3 he’s cute and innocent learning like any other child. But because he is black anything he does in this society even at school may be over exaggerated because of the obvious. I have just come from ranting on a post that is discusted in a gay flamboyant black man on the run way. Now my concern with my community is that what is not important in name and shaming this man. Is more of focus than us looking at our generational wealth. I am talking from the UK to the USA and trust me the economics are similar. I have my son now so this subject matter stands far and out. It’s so easy for focus to shift onto other peoples business. And it’s more desirable to bring people down instead of just thinking ok they are happy and move on. I swear social media in some aspects has set people up for distraction. The more people comment on his posts good or bad he’s the one laughing not them.

5am wake up or nah

5am wake up or nah

So the title has nothing to do with the actual time I was waking up at 4:30am this was actually exhausting me out Even more through out the day. So I need to analyse and adjust the whole organisation way. Now it’s unnatural to be organised and perfect but that doesn’t mean to say that this is not unnatural for everyone. Just some people. Point I am making is that I forget I have a child and I have to incorporate the extra time spent with child and spent cooking and cleaning and sorting them out. I thought woooh I can just fly around the home because woo I am awake and child sleeping. He needs me to be available and aware for him. Not to be zombied out like I am having a hangover oh no. And that is how that felt. Head banging not smiling stomach rumbling.

BOOM! So I am trying to find good habits from my spending habits to the how can I experience life being a single mother with bare minimum. And how can I make a good upbringing for my child and how can I make it in the world of entrepreneurship and business in fashion jewelry and workshop Facilitating. I mean does this all sound unachievable like pooh loads of things to do. And I will find ways I’m just experimenting what works from what does not. Has anyone got any tips and ideas that we could spring bounce off?

Guilt is actually another personification

Guilt is actually another personification

Growing up the fear of the unknown has been stronger than the knowing. The knowing was something,  taken for granted whilst the unknown something that really stuck subconsciously. As though what was unknown was some sort of monstrous thing. I was always the child who would over think and over Compensate. Always wanting people to be happy and see good in people. I say that I am an empathetic person and I think it stems from always listening to people. From a young age, maybe being told things that I could not handle myself being young. I could not heal, cure or solve any of what was told to me. I see the problems in this situation. I was there for people but not being able to actively call out for help.  Actually tried to deal with myself and others wow!.  It has been one struggle that  I have perfected. Noticing whether I am able to take on someone’s problem. Or simply sit and listen without letting the problem cling to me. I’ve learned to block the connection where I’d take it all on when I could barely handle.  And balance what was actually going on with myself. It does kind of affect how I look at the future for my child, I am very protective of people telling child-adult problems it’s not their problems and the child should not be prepared to deal with such situations. I lived the rest of my life picking up and attracting people I can help not purposely just seemed to happen. Don’t get me wrong I love the people in my life but my love relationships never been stable. I never truly met anyone who would just let me relax and be myself I’ve always been on the edge thinking the worst is going to happen. The easiest thing was to walk away. I learned that if something does not feel right it most probably isn’t.

In the black community having mental health problems is deemed to be a taboo. Especially in the wider community. This is not just a UK or an American thing this is something that is embedded within. In my community, it’s easier to go to church and get people to pray for you and cast the devil out of you than it is to actually be seen by a counsellor or Doctor. In the westernised world the black people are seen to be able to cope. Be able to cope with rejection, with our children being treated differently. With jobs not being created to cater for us. With the stereotypes that would not be created had the word equal opportunities really exist in what it should be. If systematical Racism wasn’t a thing. I could talk about this for a while but this doesn’t affect most of the readers reading this. It’s a knock on effect if something is limited to one community but is plenty to another like generational wealth, less stereotypical tagging. More of a comfortable environment. None over exaggeration in expressed conversations just because of the colour of skin or cultural differences. I mean we know there are white people, black people, Asian people and more. Yet we still have this falseness and exploratory attitude. My babies are ready to face racism. Ready to be fetishised. Ready to grow up and be strong before it’s time to be. I am struggling with the inner child in me because I forgot when the last time was that I could just be a free spirit just be as free as I could see other kids. So I am working on this so I can be who I need to be for my son. The whole religious thing has me. I am in no argument with God or the universe or the highest. However, it needs to be addressed that I am a part conflict with people or is it with myself.

Trying to plan and organise

Trying to plan and organise

So 3:45 am baby coughing me awake. Baby please take water I say and the response is “No”. OK so now I am awake alarm ready to greet my morning as have set up a morning routine for waking up early and getting ready all by 8am. I have done the getting ready and out of the door.But have not done the whole routine, so now that I am fully awake why not. It consists of a little exercise and me having time to myself completely to be able to wake up and relax, get ready, glam up and look and feel my best. Also to possibly get some work done as this could be a good start to creating a new positive habit.

Realisationing

Realisationing

I have come to or coming to some sort of realisationing,  that you can’t force an understanding upon  somone if they are not willing to. Open their  eyes and ears to see that differences do exist. And occur in our reality and that not everyone will understand.  What they can see on their level of understanding. I have had arguments with people simply because they seem to force the reality of their own that has no progress to change in this environment that we are living in and especially mine. Then I try to understand for why am I getting frustrated when I already no what I do and it’s OK just for me to keep my mouth shut and listen. Erm well I find it hard to. It’s like telling your stomach that you have not eaten crap food and no it will not hurt ur stomach at all! In denial of the fact that no matter how much we try to prevent the world from crumbling and stop people from hurting dying and killing no matter how much we pray or give money. We are not incontrol. Maybe incontrol of a percentage just of,  because we are not accepting that our thoughts are our reality. I have some kind of trying to reason that if we are able to manifest our reality then why are so many of us externalised in thought instead of internalised. This is because we are taught from a young age how to externalise inorder to recive such as share and be kind put people first. Not saying be inhumane but we are not taught in the westernised world that we need to internalise and understand self before other people. Like religion alot of it is outsourcing our prayers and idolising other humans this idolising is soooo Ancient and I can’t say too wrongs I am just trying to get an understanding without the end result being that. I need saving or read the Holy book. I offend alot of people with me not conforming and being one of them but I can’t understand where they are coming from.