Feeling unavailable r

Feeling unavailable r

Sometimes you can feel unavailable but available at the same time. I have felt this alot. And maybe a source of irrational panic of wanting to help out and give advice all the time. Don’t no what Bipolar feels like but sort of could imagine it in small ways. Like high energy and burst of. Come to a realisation of myself and its not that I didn’t notice its just that I carried on. And didn’t do what’s in my nature instead I created a paranamic view of everything and everyone in my life and started panicking Trying to help out. I am a single mother who is an artist with plenty of opportunity’s. And sometimes I want to share everything even to the free bottle of wine. Not even sure how I come across maybe pushy. I have a nack for research and finding focus groups coupons and free things and I don’t stop. So let’s say I am not looking for a normal traditional job but what I am passionate about. And I have this it’s my show mentality I am fully aware of it and its just one of those things especially if it’s just you and child in the house no adult to talk to then suddenly an adult calls and such you can’t stop talking and you’re on high energy. Where is it from like what is all of that. Then Boom! Poof you get a low or no one is interested or you are feeling a bit pushy trying to save the world with an invisible hero cape! Soaring through. So I dig into my past and I am like why do I panic for other people when I clearly can’t see it around me. Like everyone seems to be sane like laid back and probably doing what makes them feel good. Where as me not really living my truth and knowing or understanding if the messenger or helper was a given. Or I just adopted it by accident and ran with it. Understanding that it will be a journey for it all to change and for me to stop giving advice and attention and focus on me and my son. Keep my lips sealed and nod or say bare minimum. I have to go cold turkey and be selfish keep my advice to myself my free things. The new nack and listen more. Probably use my energy to transfer into something else. Stay away from people for a few days or weeks. Don’t know if anyone else feels like this at all. Just learning how to keep my business to myself and invest in me to move forward. Has anyone got a similar story?

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Did I not cover up

Did I not cover up

Covering up things with other things

Hoping that other thing will be the thing to heal the other thing.

Like a band-aid or a plaster. You see a cut gets covered , I know it’s for health reasons, but some see it as out of mind out of sight. So we start to cover more stuff, with stuff to make the reality of something else feel numb.

Like pain we take painkillers, paracetamol and others. No one talks about the reason for the pain. It’s just go get a painkiller and that’s that. What happend to, let’s talk, why are you in pain? I am no doctor but my time could be apart of you healing. Like do you really need a painkiller or is it easier for me to say it and dismiss convo.

What happend to getting to the root of the problem. The world too quick to find the outcome that we forget the process needed to arrive to the outcome.

Some use drugs and drink to cover up the fact that we have to face reality every day. Is reality really that bad or is it our expectations are a lie that we have been taught to believe in. And that pain really does hurt like hell. It’s the reality in it not being a reality in the world that hurts. We don’t talk about hurt because it’s too real to notice that we are hurting so we hurt others to the point of it becoming normal. Hurt is normal and being happy is weird. Accepting life for what it is makes others weary of you.

 

I digress will return reached a blockage and not afraid to

Guilt is actually another personification

Guilt is actually another personification

Growing up the fear of the unknown has been stronger than the knowing. The knowing was something,  taken for granted whilst the unknown something that really stuck subconsciously. As though what was unknown was some sort of monstrous thing. I was always the child who would over think and over Compensate. Always wanting people to be happy and see good in people. I say that I am an empathetic person and I think it stems from always listening to people. From a young age, maybe being told things that I could not handle myself being young. I could not heal, cure or solve any of what was told to me. I see the problems in this situation. I was there for people but not being able to actively call out for help.  Actually tried to deal with myself and others wow!.  It has been one struggle that  I have perfected. Noticing whether I am able to take on someone’s problem. Or simply sit and listen without letting the problem cling to me. I’ve learned to block the connection where I’d take it all on when I could barely handle.  And balance what was actually going on with myself. It does kind of affect how I look at the future for my child, I am very protective of people telling child-adult problems it’s not their problems and the child should not be prepared to deal with such situations. I lived the rest of my life picking up and attracting people I can help not purposely just seemed to happen. Don’t get me wrong I love the people in my life but my love relationships never been stable. I never truly met anyone who would just let me relax and be myself I’ve always been on the edge thinking the worst is going to happen. The easiest thing was to walk away. I learned that if something does not feel right it most probably isn’t.

In the black community having mental health problems is deemed to be a taboo. Especially in the wider community. This is not just a UK or an American thing this is something that is embedded within. In my community, it’s easier to go to church and get people to pray for you and cast the devil out of you than it is to actually be seen by a counsellor or Doctor. In the westernised world the black people are seen to be able to cope. Be able to cope with rejection, with our children being treated differently. With jobs not being created to cater for us. With the stereotypes that would not be created had the word equal opportunities really exist in what it should be. If systematical Racism wasn’t a thing. I could talk about this for a while but this doesn’t affect most of the readers reading this. It’s a knock on effect if something is limited to one community but is plenty to another like generational wealth, less stereotypical tagging. More of a comfortable environment. None over exaggeration in expressed conversations just because of the colour of skin or cultural differences. I mean we know there are white people, black people, Asian people and more. Yet we still have this falseness and exploratory attitude. My babies are ready to face racism. Ready to be fetishised. Ready to grow up and be strong before it’s time to be. I am struggling with the inner child in me because I forgot when the last time was that I could just be a free spirit just be as free as I could see other kids. So I am working on this so I can be who I need to be for my son. The whole religious thing has me. I am in no argument with God or the universe or the highest. However, it needs to be addressed that I am a part conflict with people or is it with myself.