Feeling unavailable r

Feeling unavailable r

Sometimes you can feel unavailable but available at the same time. I have felt this alot. And maybe a source of irrational panic of wanting to help out and give advice all the time. Don’t no what Bipolar feels like but sort of could imagine it in small ways. Like high energy and burst of. Come to a realisation of myself and its not that I didn’t notice its just that I carried on. And didn’t do what’s in my nature instead I created a paranamic view of everything and everyone in my life and started panicking Trying to help out. I am a single mother who is an artist with plenty of opportunity’s. And sometimes I want to share everything even to the free bottle of wine. Not even sure how I come across maybe pushy. I have a nack for research and finding focus groups coupons and free things and I don’t stop. So let’s say I am not looking for a normal traditional job but what I am passionate about. And I have this it’s my show mentality I am fully aware of it and its just one of those things especially if it’s just you and child in the house no adult to talk to then suddenly an adult calls and such you can’t stop talking and you’re on high energy. Where is it from like what is all of that. Then Boom! Poof you get a low or no one is interested or you are feeling a bit pushy trying to save the world with an invisible hero cape! Soaring through. So I dig into my past and I am like why do I panic for other people when I clearly can’t see it around me. Like everyone seems to be sane like laid back and probably doing what makes them feel good. Where as me not really living my truth and knowing or understanding if the messenger or helper was a given. Or I just adopted it by accident and ran with it. Understanding that it will be a journey for it all to change and for me to stop giving advice and attention and focus on me and my son. Keep my lips sealed and nod or say bare minimum. I have to go cold turkey and be selfish keep my advice to myself my free things. The new nack and listen more. Probably use my energy to transfer into something else. Stay away from people for a few days or weeks. Don’t know if anyone else feels like this at all. Just learning how to keep my business to myself and invest in me to move forward. Has anyone got a similar story?

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Darkness is better than the light

Darkness is better than the light

They say darkness is a bad place

A sad place

A mad place

The creepy place

The evil place

What if you turned it upside down.

I say the light is a strange place

An open space

The mad place

A sad place

A creepy place.

It’s a place where all is aware.

As of the darkness it’s where I found myself. In the state of realisation and silence no one around me but my

Thoughts grew in abundance.

Trying to climb out of stretch out of reach of jump out of.

The darkness.

Which in the end was but a reflection of myself that I was taught was bad.

Sometimes you seek self In unfamiliar ways.

Your light may be found in the darkness. Where your darkness may be found within the light.

 

The answer is no with closed doors

The answer is no with closed doors

Some answers are a no,

Or you are treated differently to how the person would treat others.

Sometimes you don’t fit in with the criteria.

What is the criteria?

They do not want to be in the same situation as you or dress like you.

Talk over you ask someone else questions of what you have the answers to. Pooh you already helped them out with the situation.

You are wired.

Is she weird? Is she OK? What is she into? Why she single? Weird, Artist weird. Think for herself weird. Frightened weird.

Is she frightened?

I feel sorry for her single mother, I could not be like her, I mean does she no the father to her child?

Maybe we could pray for her instead of ring her or physically help her.

Nope.

(to her face)

You are doing sooo well, being a single mother a full black single mother. I mean how did you do it? I could not do what you are doing. When will you work? Oh no don’t worry about it you probably don’t want to work.

(back to me)

I’m no mind reader but I kinda get feelings that talk my language I mean is it sooo awkward for people to be straight up instead of trying to be tooo nice it ends up being condescending. Like ooowwereeree uno you could imagine that sound all over exaggeration and squeaky. ūüí© it’s OK I quite understand, but perhaps people don’t understand what they don’t understand but still perceive and treat people with ulterior motives. Like why she got that none designer bag. I am like I am working sooo hard that maybe I won’t have to buy one of those bags someone somewhere would gift it to me. The way I dress is not me I’m cacooning like a butterfly. The child thing ask him how he is doing, if he is happy if mummy is happy young children don’t lie much. Especially the real things in life. No sugar coated candy.¬† This is a rant, but people really put on you situations that don’t help you to change in growth at all. Material things and wants are soooo temporary some people assume that you are doing well by the car you drive and the company you have. The reality of deep conversations need to be back. By demand. I write because somone will read and hopefully we can relate. I read blogs because I get to celebrate with people I have not met and I can relate. X

And they laugh

And they laugh

Met a woman who works as a carer on the tram the other day. She had two young women caring for one of them had a beautiful contagious laugh, to some people they would think it’s annoying. To me it’s the most beautiful situation to be in. I cought the laugh and joined in. Sometimes you forget to smile to laugh and this reminded me about life. I am sure that I mentioned these people before in a post if I have they make an impact on me every time I see them.

Good morning world 5:51 am UK time

Good morning world 5:51 am UK time

So last night I was on YouTube and someone I recently followed was ranting on about Evilness and Satan and how our phones and tv screens are all portals to evil. Now this is scare mongering tactics. Although I do believe that our thoughts become reality if we focus to much on the negative or try to create something unnatural with thought like badmind on an other person. I stopped watching this person and unfollowed. I thought she was a bit irrational and scare mongering. Going over it asthough she was willing evil into her own life. She used the very thing she called evil which is a mobile phone. Now I am very aware that you cannot get away from technology these days. What really struck me is the fact that the speak of the devil is more difficult than dominant in the exploration of trying to get people in specific religions. Now everyone has their own reasons for why and for me I am not one to discriminate others for what they choose to do. I am not apart of a group apart from being an Artist a mother a Black woman and Caribbean. Some of these things are by choice and some are not. I never for a real good moment wish evil upon another person or try to compete unless it’s a competition and it’s a rule. I don’t have evil thoughts. I have some guilt if I passed on trying to help somone out or situations like this. I don’t focus on world domination, if how to get people onto my side. I don’t think I have a side. I have views and opinions but it’s not clusterd to other individuals. I mean I myself believe that I am able to choose how I treat people knowing that I have my own thoughts and what I do affects me and not a whole congregation. I am solely responsible for my actions and my environment. I have not committed anything that I have not owned upto and assessed from different view points in order to now move forward. For me the interior self is more clear than when you put on yourself exterior people. Guilt and need to impress becomes greater and more dominant. The more people in your life who have a different opinion in life may be able place words of disencouragement and fear of life itself in order to draw you into their way of life. For some believing in God or the universe isn’t enough. They then ask it depends on who you believe in. Well I believe in myself, I believe in God and Humanity. I believe that seeing people whole and pure until the understanding of at any point that they may have done something that I deem to be wrong in my opinion. So I try to see the person before the titles they give themselves. We all judge. So the only God can judge me response within Church is a contradiction because I feel people in there judging or is it my fear of people seemingly being somone else of who they are telling others they are. I feel naked in church. I am a spiritual person and this does not mean I meditate or sumon deities. Nope I don’t do that not to understanding of meditating. I’m tooo paranoid to even get involved in such. So I just focus in treating people with a respect. Though I do call people out on their disrespect. And scare mongering and the fact that my community still has no generational wealth but the churches are getting fatter and fatter recruiting more people. I can’t afford to go to Church. I was told by a Christian on the road side that if I do not go church and believe in Jesus that I will go to the firepit of Hell. Now unless they have trained their minds to think for themselves I say if I wasn’t in the right mind according to society I could have taken my life. Just hearing that messed up and then they drive off in their big cars. I have a phone conversation with a particular person that now I am thinking wow he’s a narcissistic man and I have to protect myself from this type of person. He talks about the Bible and he’s kinda got into the I know this what do you kno. And I am hear to teach you sort of thing. I have grown up in church school and in church and I knew from ages ago that I am spiritual, being in a church made me feel suffocating and dislike people because I could see through them in a sense.

Guilt is actually another personification

Guilt is actually another personification

Growing up the fear of the unknown has been stronger than the knowing. The knowing was something, ¬†taken for granted whilst the unknown something that really stuck subconsciously. As though what was unknown was some sort of monstrous thing. I was always the child who would over think and over Compensate. Always wanting people to be happy and see good in people. I say that I am an empathetic person and I think it stems from always listening to people. From a young age,¬†maybe being told things that I could not handle myself being young. I could not heal, cure or solve any of what was told to me. I see the problems in this situation. I was there for people but not being able to actively call out for help. ¬†Actually tried to deal with myself and others wow!. ¬†It has been one struggle that ¬†I have perfected. Noticing whether I am able to take on someone’s problem. Or simply sit and listen without letting the problem cling to me. I’ve learned to block the connection where I’d take it all on when I could barely handle. ¬†And balance what was actually going on with myself. It does kind of affect how I look at the future for my child, I am very protective of people telling child-adult problems it’s not their problems and the child should not be prepared to deal with such situations. I lived the rest of my life picking up and attracting people I can help not purposely just seemed to happen. Don’t get me wrong I love the people in my life but my love relationships never been stable. I never truly met anyone who would just let me relax and be myself I’ve always been on the edge thinking the worst is going to happen. The easiest thing was to walk away. I learned that if something does not feel right it most probably isn’t.

In the black community having mental health problems is deemed to be a taboo. Especially in the wider community. This is not just a UK or an American thing this is something that is embedded within. In my community, it’s easier to go to church and get people to pray for you and cast the devil out of you than it is to actually be seen by a counsellor or Doctor. In the westernised world the black people are seen to be able to cope. Be able to cope with rejection, with our children being treated differently. With jobs not being created to cater for us. With the stereotypes that would not be created had the word equal opportunities really exist in what it should be. If systematical Racism wasn’t a thing. I could talk about this for a while but this doesn’t affect most of the readers reading this. It’s a knock on effect if something is limited to one community but is plenty to another like generational wealth, less stereotypical tagging. More of a comfortable environment. None over exaggeration in expressed conversations just because of the colour of skin or cultural differences. I mean we know there are white people, black people, Asian people and more. Yet we still have this falseness and exploratory attitude. My babies are ready to face racism. Ready to be fetishised. Ready to grow up and be strong before it’s time to be. I am struggling with the inner child in me because I forgot when the last time was that I could just be a free spirit just be as free as I could see other kids. So I am working on this so I can be who I need to be for my son. The whole religious thing has me. I am in no argument with God or the universe or the highest. However, it needs to be addressed that I am a part conflict with people or is it with myself.

Realisationing

Realisationing

I have come to or coming to some sort of realisationing, ¬†that you can’t force an understanding upon ¬†somone if they are not willing to. Open their ¬†eyes and ears to see that differences do exist. And occur in our reality and that not everyone will understand. ¬†What they can see on their level of understanding. I have had arguments with people simply because they seem to force the reality of their own that has no progress to change in this environment that we are living in and especially mine. Then I try to understand for why am I getting frustrated when I already no what I do and it’s OK just for me to keep my mouth shut and listen. Erm well I find it hard to. It’s like telling your stomach that you have not eaten crap food and no it will not hurt ur stomach at all! In denial of the fact that no matter how much we try to prevent the world from crumbling and stop people from hurting dying and killing no matter how much we pray or give money. We are not incontrol. Maybe incontrol of a percentage just of, ¬†because we are not accepting that our thoughts are our reality. I have some kind of trying to reason that if we are able to manifest our reality then why are so many of us externalised in thought instead of internalised. This is because we are taught from a young age how to externalise inorder to recive such as share and be kind put people first. Not saying be inhumane but we are not taught in the westernised world that we need to internalise and understand self before other people. Like religion alot of it is outsourcing our prayers and idolising other humans this idolising is soooo Ancient and I can’t say too wrongs I am just trying to get an understanding without the end result being that. I need saving or read the Holy book. I offend alot of people with me not conforming and being one of them but I can’t understand where they are coming from.