OK so this is just a chat write. Been analysing my own behaviour towards a whole lot of things that is a choice to ignore or acknowledge. I am at the point where if I don’t acknowledge and analyse I cannot move forward. It takes a lot to adjust to the self conscious analysis state. If someone don’t understand, it’s where you are able to reason with why you react to a situation be it bad or good. However you will explain this. It’s how you feel about it how you react and the outcome. I guess it’s normal to have mini celebrations on small successes but how do we continue the phase of work and success in receiving good results from the task. It’s a continual development. I have also been watching how I react to situations that present themselves to me. Especially when my lil man is in distress or if I am. It’s like ok for myself I have to listen to me. And for him maybe he just wants to sit by me and cuddle. Yes exactly being able to be still. Calm and collectively listening to my lil bab, is something I am working on more and more. It’s the patience in itself that creates better spaces. Also being able to work on my intuition and do what I felt was right in the first place. Like I am able to talk to more people than I had been whilst walking on my own in the morning watching people commuting to work in the city centre. I smile more and say hello more. It has made me feel more relaxed and open to meet new people. It’s difficult at first but it gets easier. I just hope I keeps it going.
I am interested in mindfulness, actually my mind is in alot of different things and books. And still seeking an awareness of self control and organising. It last for a couple of days. And it’s easy to get tired running around after child then after myself and the house it’s like a merry go round only thing missing is the relaxing part. And then the parents come around and the house doesn’t look how it should to them. But hey okay it would be too much a stress if it was to be squeeky clean like realistically cannot be done with a 3 year old who would rather my time over cleaning any time of the day. Sooo yeah looking at procrastinating and the want for child to be happy I cannot find the room to be impressing outwardly. Unless it’s my designs and the art I am producing. You can get so gassed running around after people what may please their eyes be it for 5 mins is not worth the fuss and anxiety brought on by them. Or anyone. Imagine you are happy not everyone will be happy for you. And their reasoning may be the reflection of themselves unless it’s a life and death situation. I don’t want to hear it. Anxiety is a thing that I have, but I have found ways to combat it and kno certain signals and signs that trigger it. The main one is impressing people, just constantly pleasing and putting people in first and putting self last. It’s a thing that was taught as being polite. When does politeness become too much when do you stop or calm down. I mean sometimes it became an obsession. Until I truly got left behind and stabbed in the back really deeply. My gosh did it put me into some next feelings and emotions. When you fall it feel like you are stuck in a well and no one can hear or see you. Or they chose to ignore you.
So last night I was on YouTube and someone I recently followed was ranting on about Evilness and Satan and how our phones and tv screens are all portals to evil. Now this is scare mongering tactics. Although I do believe that our thoughts become reality if we focus to much on the negative or try to create something unnatural with thought like badmind on an other person. I stopped watching this person and unfollowed. I thought she was a bit irrational and scare mongering. Going over it asthough she was willing evil into her own life. She used the very thing she called evil which is a mobile phone. Now I am very aware that you cannot get away from technology these days. What really struck me is the fact that the speak of the devil is more difficult than dominant in the exploration of trying to get people in specific religions. Now everyone has their own reasons for why and for me I am not one to discriminate others for what they choose to do. I am not apart of a group apart from being an Artist a mother a Black woman and Caribbean. Some of these things are by choice and some are not. I never for a real good moment wish evil upon another person or try to compete unless it’s a competition and it’s a rule. I don’t have evil thoughts. I have some guilt if I passed on trying to help somone out or situations like this. I don’t focus on world domination, if how to get people onto my side. I don’t think I have a side. I have views and opinions but it’s not clusterd to other individuals. I mean I myself believe that I am able to choose how I treat people knowing that I have my own thoughts and what I do affects me and not a whole congregation. I am solely responsible for my actions and my environment. I have not committed anything that I have not owned upto and assessed from different view points in order to now move forward. For me the interior self is more clear than when you put on yourself exterior people. Guilt and need to impress becomes greater and more dominant. The more people in your life who have a different opinion in life may be able place words of disencouragement and fear of life itself in order to draw you into their way of life. For some believing in God or the universe isn’t enough. They then ask it depends on who you believe in. Well I believe in myself, I believe in God and Humanity. I believe that seeing people whole and pure until the understanding of at any point that they may have done something that I deem to be wrong in my opinion. So I try to see the person before the titles they give themselves. We all judge. So the only God can judge me response within Church is a contradiction because I feel people in there judging or is it my fear of people seemingly being somone else of who they are telling others they are. I feel naked in church. I am a spiritual person and this does not mean I meditate or sumon deities. Nope I don’t do that not to understanding of meditating. I’m tooo paranoid to even get involved in such. So I just focus in treating people with a respect. Though I do call people out on their disrespect. And scare mongering and the fact that my community still has no generational wealth but the churches are getting fatter and fatter recruiting more people. I can’t afford to go to Church. I was told by a Christian on the road side that if I do not go church and believe in Jesus that I will go to the firepit of Hell. Now unless they have trained their minds to think for themselves I say if I wasn’t in the right mind according to society I could have taken my life. Just hearing that messed up and then they drive off in their big cars. I have a phone conversation with a particular person that now I am thinking wow he’s a narcissistic man and I have to protect myself from this type of person. He talks about the Bible and he’s kinda got into the I know this what do you kno. And I am hear to teach you sort of thing. I have grown up in church school and in church and I knew from ages ago that I am spiritual, being in a church made me feel suffocating and dislike people because I could see through them in a sense.