Sometimes you can feel unavailable but available at the same time. I have felt this alot. And maybe a source of irrational panic of wanting to help out and give advice all the time. Don’t no what Bipolar feels like but sort of could imagine it in small ways. Like high energy and burst of. Come to a realisation of myself and its not that I didn’t notice its just that I carried on. And didn’t do what’s in my nature instead I created a paranamic view of everything and everyone in my life and started panicking Trying to help out. I am a single mother who is an artist with plenty of opportunity’s. And sometimes I want to share everything even to the free bottle of wine. Not even sure how I come across maybe pushy. I have a nack for research and finding focus groups coupons and free things and I don’t stop. So let’s say I am not looking for a normal traditional job but what I am passionate about. And I have this it’s my show mentality I am fully aware of it and its just one of those things especially if it’s just you and child in the house no adult to talk to then suddenly an adult calls and such you can’t stop talking and you’re on high energy. Where is it from like what is all of that. Then Boom! Poof you get a low or no one is interested or you are feeling a bit pushy trying to save the world with an invisible hero cape! Soaring through. So I dig into my past and I am like why do I panic for other people when I clearly can’t see it around me. Like everyone seems to be sane like laid back and probably doing what makes them feel good. Where as me not really living my truth and knowing or understanding if the messenger or helper was a given. Or I just adopted it by accident and ran with it. Understanding that it will be a journey for it all to change and for me to stop giving advice and attention and focus on me and my son. Keep my lips sealed and nod or say bare minimum. I have to go cold turkey and be selfish keep my advice to myself my free things. The new nack and listen more. Probably use my energy to transfer into something else. Stay away from people for a few days or weeks. Don’t know if anyone else feels like this at all. Just learning how to keep my business to myself and invest in me to move forward. Has anyone got a similar story?
Check out my podcast, R ARTIST , on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/raisa-artist-Mcclarey-Fra
So I have started doing podcast because I have things to say. It may not be politically right but then again what is politically right or correct. Somethings are just thoughts and opinions until more people accept it or accustomise themselves to the findings or opinions more will agree with. Or disagree with. I aim at the point where its okay to just share with others.
Sometimes we take on situations that are not ours to take on. Things that have nothing to do with us. All on the part of being loyal. So biggest part of my life was being nice. Listening loving helping. Just a thought was it loving or just saving did I or do I want to save people from themselves and then if it upset somone else I end up juggling who should be saved now really who. Now that I clearly understand I am not a superhero for sure but deep down in my mind I had this vision that, that person can now smile be free. I just didn’t learn to think for myself and gp with the full heart regardless of who it hurts. I guess it’s the pure fact of being present for somone else in expense of it hurting somone else. Coz if you stop doing what you felt right to do in order to be a person pleaser. That person who wanted you to change has now nothing to benifit you so you are on your own now. Making a juggling show of pleasing until the show is on you.
He said he was sorry
Sorry for being upset crying
Having tears racing down his face.
He’s so sorry that he wasn’t as strong as a super hero.
I said son, tears allow you to have strength, because without it superheroes won’t be able to smile.
Each smile saves the day. Strength is not shown only by muscle but the ability to cry and understand that it’s OK.
The year I lost my nana
Felt what fear, loss and love really felt like.
Faced my nan and held her hands tight.
But, for the first time she couldn’t hear me right.
Didn’t see her smile or feel her breathing.
Saw death for the first time.
Was my nana laying there.
No more work for you to do nana
You can lay there and rest now,
No more pain nana
It’s strange to me to not hear your voice.
Right now it’s but apart of my imagination.
I knew I’d be facing this reality one day. Just didn’t kno how much pain really feels.
I used to miss people but that now seems like a joke to me coz I can still see those people but I can never see you again.
The day you passed away I walked into your house and all I could smell was you. X
They say darkness is a bad place
A sad place
A mad place
The creepy place
The evil place
What if you turned it upside down.
I say the light is a strange place
An open space
The mad place
A sad place
A creepy place.
It’s a place where all is aware.
As of the darkness it’s where I found myself. In the state of realisation and silence no one around me but my
Thoughts grew in abundance.
Trying to climb out of stretch out of reach of jump out of.
Which in the end was but a reflection of myself that I was taught was bad.
Sometimes you seek self In unfamiliar ways.
Your light may be found in the darkness. Where your darkness may be found within the light.
Why oh why
Can’t I get my self together
Slightly rightly tightly
But I am tired.
Single mom syndrome
Nope don’t agree erm
You are doing very well they say
From the outside looking in
When you well and kno
Sometimes it feels like you are doing
An awful job. I mean you can’t even get ya sen dressed not looking nice
Only just pulled ya socks on and
Out the door dodge mirrors and say we are ok things are looking up.
You send child to nursery and walk along the road side see homeless and wish you were Superhero.
Don’t worry child things will get better.
Feeling intuned with many things minds popping because material things are just another skin, another you.
Whilst these things are not accessible you learn the skin your in I guess for me I learn more from being without and slowly becoming comfortable. The whole you are doing well is not helpful sometimes that I want to be invisible like my single mother status does not define me. It’s a fact and maybe all I kno. I guess this society sees this as a negative thing I see it slightly especially if something was to happen to me and my son and their is no one to come and protect us. When I hear coupled people going through something like needing help from the partners I’ve learned to not hold malice and just except that, it is a privilege that they have a family unite. Being a single parent you have to be both masculine and feminine and I have felt like I have been forgetting my feminine energy their for not attracting anyone as such. This writing has gone everywhere but I guess writing in the real world isn’t all calm and smooth.