They asked me what do I look for in love?
I answered to be 15 again to not meet him at Mcdonalds again to not give him
My cherry again.
To look back and climb into a time machine.
To not think that he and us was the definition of love.
What and how do you define love?
I wish my body wouldn’t go all gooey
Like I am drunk.
But you see to me that was love, and for the 8 years after it was. I mean nothing else made me feel all kinds of things.
We connected spiritually eventually and it felt all ludicrous this was not by purpose.
Not sure what purpose
He was like a young boy that
Turned into a man.
He didn’t know his self worth but neither did I.
Long story cut short.
How would I define love.
I guess we touch hands like the aliens on star trek and Intwine our electrons
Connect like satalight dishes.
You kno nothing can define it with words or visions
It should define itself
And when it comes.
No expectations of the passed
Should be presented.
Some answers are a no,
Or you are treated differently to how the person would treat others.
Sometimes you don’t fit in with the criteria.
What is the criteria?
They do not want to be in the same situation as you or dress like you.
Talk over you ask someone else questions of what you have the answers to. Pooh you already helped them out with the situation.
You are wired.
Is she weird? Is she OK? What is she into? Why she single? Weird, Artist weird. Think for herself weird. Frightened weird.
Is she frightened?
I feel sorry for her single mother, I could not be like her, I mean does she no the father to her child?
Maybe we could pray for her instead of ring her or physically help her.
(to her face)
You are doing sooo well, being a single mother a full black single mother. I mean how did you do it? I could not do what you are doing. When will you work? Oh no don’t worry about it you probably don’t want to work.
(back to me)
I’m no mind reader but I kinda get feelings that talk my language I mean is it sooo awkward for people to be straight up instead of trying to be tooo nice it ends up being condescending. Like ooowwereeree uno you could imagine that sound all over exaggeration and squeaky. 💩 it’s OK I quite understand, but perhaps people don’t understand what they don’t understand but still perceive and treat people with ulterior motives. Like why she got that none designer bag. I am like I am working sooo hard that maybe I won’t have to buy one of those bags someone somewhere would gift it to me. The way I dress is not me I’m cacooning like a butterfly. The child thing ask him how he is doing, if he is happy if mummy is happy young children don’t lie much. Especially the real things in life. No sugar coated candy. This is a rant, but people really put on you situations that don’t help you to change in growth at all. Material things and wants are soooo temporary some people assume that you are doing well by the car you drive and the company you have. The reality of deep conversations need to be back. By demand. I write because somone will read and hopefully we can relate. I read blogs because I get to celebrate with people I have not met and I can relate. X
Nothing in life is free but it’s accessible.
I won’t tell my child that.
The world owes him nothing
But he owes the word to himself.
Everything is brought even if it’s not by currency its by time.
Nothing is free this word needs to be dissolved. Free equates to 0.
You receive something free because you are poor, it’s not free because you had to be poor in order to recive.
Free 30 hours child care well the posters need changing because that ain’t free.
Free food but you had to travel to recive and your travel expenses are not covered.
Stop throwing free around the word has no substance, don’t expect anything for free sometimes there is a consequence don’t forget to ask.
Ima call out loud
Who ever is listening.
To the skin that I’m
Living in its all OK you can breath now.
To the hair on my scalp it’s OK no
More chemicals now.
I’ll protect you don’t need to hide from you.
For the height that I stand. You are OK even blessed to have legs some people haven’t got them.
To the nose that I have its only for my face it belongs to me. No amount of hating, won’t let me change my face. Can’t change my hair or change my race and it’s all OK. I won’t be famous for being self embarrassed. I just want to leave a world where everyone loves them selves. Soon every insecure person will be in debt too look identical to each other whilst none of their children won’t resemble their own mother no more. It all depends on the reasons you changed faces if it’s for sanity then don’t start teaching your kids about self love.
I write on this blog because I like to write and I love to talk. I don’t hold back much because I have an awful lot to say. I am not afraid of what I have to say. I don’t try to pretty things up. Life isn’t really pretty it’s what ever lense we choose to look through.
Where would I like this to end up? Well I see myself as a worldly person still learning and on some kind of journey where everything and every day is like a completely new experience even if you did the same thing yesterday. Nothing is the same and of you have the chance in life to create the dream life for yourself then I would say go for it. Through out the years I have built confidence in just writing poetry and just get it out there. Regardless of my dyslexia which I have pulled up and edited my poetry for the sake of being more professional. I have still put it out. This blog is a true mirror of my personality and that is the Image I wanted to portray. I want it to look abit more professional though and incorporate some visual arts into it. It’s all about evolving and evolution today is now and tomorrow is then. I am so appreciative of the people who follow and support me. It gives me a little comfort in knowing that I have the chance to just be myself in such a way. That ten years earlier I’d of asked permission to be myself and to be told to redo my gcse threw me backwards. Like a screaming cat with no voice. Trying to prove how intelligent I actually am. But now days what is intelligence measured by and does it hold key’s for success?
Exactly what I thought where does it begin and how much work is needed for it to become a reality. I have struggled alot but learned a tremendous lot. Trying different things out. Some strategies work and some don’t. One thing I have learnt is that you are capable of achieving if only you are able to work out what works best for you. And have an understanding that what is for other people isn’t for you. Don’t expect the results to be the same as others. Work hard on what works well for you. It could take quadruple trials in order for you to find what works. Don’t beat your self up regardless and celebrate your upcomings. And access your down comings. Being able to be my own supporter has done good for me. Without expecting others to just jump at my needs. But it has also had its short comings. In not being able to ask for help at the results to being too needy or weak. I had to reacess the reason to why I don’t ask for help. And I guess it stems from not getting the right k
Kind of help at the time needed. Situations could have been serious to none serious. How people react always or may be the result of a situation they have been in. So from an experience point. I have realised that we can force someone to see things our way or the high way. The world really isn’t such a place where everyone is on the same level. Knowing this has made me have a calmer approach when people disagree or when I disagree.
I am interested in mindfulness, actually my mind is in alot of different things and books. And still seeking an awareness of self control and organising. It last for a couple of days. And it’s easy to get tired running around after child then after myself and the house it’s like a merry go round only thing missing is the relaxing part. And then the parents come around and the house doesn’t look how it should to them. But hey okay it would be too much a stress if it was to be squeeky clean like realistically cannot be done with a 3 year old who would rather my time over cleaning any time of the day. Sooo yeah looking at procrastinating and the want for child to be happy I cannot find the room to be impressing outwardly. Unless it’s my designs and the art I am producing. You can get so gassed running around after people what may please their eyes be it for 5 mins is not worth the fuss and anxiety brought on by them. Or anyone. Imagine you are happy not everyone will be happy for you. And their reasoning may be the reflection of themselves unless it’s a life and death situation. I don’t want to hear it. Anxiety is a thing that I have, but I have found ways to combat it and kno certain signals and signs that trigger it. The main one is impressing people, just constantly pleasing and putting people in first and putting self last. It’s a thing that was taught as being polite. When does politeness become too much when do you stop or calm down. I mean sometimes it became an obsession. Until I truly got left behind and stabbed in the back really deeply. My gosh did it put me into some next feelings and emotions. When you fall it feel like you are stuck in a well and no one can hear or see you. Or they chose to ignore you.