Feeling unavailable r

Feeling unavailable r

Sometimes you can feel unavailable but available at the same time. I have felt this alot. And maybe a source of irrational panic of wanting to help out and give advice all the time. Don’t no what Bipolar feels like but sort of could imagine it in small ways. Like high energy and burst of. Come to a realisation of myself and its not that I didn’t notice its just that I carried on. And didn’t do what’s in my nature instead I created a paranamic view of everything and everyone in my life and started panicking Trying to help out. I am a single mother who is an artist with plenty of opportunity’s. And sometimes I want to share everything even to the free bottle of wine. Not even sure how I come across maybe pushy. I have a nack for research and finding focus groups coupons and free things and I don’t stop. So let’s say I am not looking for a normal traditional job but what I am passionate about. And I have this it’s my show mentality I am fully aware of it and its just one of those things especially if it’s just you and child in the house no adult to talk to then suddenly an adult calls and such you can’t stop talking and you’re on high energy. Where is it from like what is all of that. Then Boom! Poof you get a low or no one is interested or you are feeling a bit pushy trying to save the world with an invisible hero cape! Soaring through. So I dig into my past and I am like why do I panic for other people when I clearly can’t see it around me. Like everyone seems to be sane like laid back and probably doing what makes them feel good. Where as me not really living my truth and knowing or understanding if the messenger or helper was a given. Or I just adopted it by accident and ran with it. Understanding that it will be a journey for it all to change and for me to stop giving advice and attention and focus on me and my son. Keep my lips sealed and nod or say bare minimum. I have to go cold turkey and be selfish keep my advice to myself my free things. The new nack and listen more. Probably use my energy to transfer into something else. Stay away from people for a few days or weeks. Don’t know if anyone else feels like this at all. Just learning how to keep my business to myself and invest in me to move forward. Has anyone got a similar story?

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Learning things

Learning things

Sometimes we take on situations that are not ours to take on. Things that have nothing to do with us. All on the part of being loyal. So biggest part of my life was being nice. Listening loving helping. Just a thought was it loving or just saving did I or do I want to save people from themselves and then if it upset somone else I end up juggling who should be saved now really who. Now that I clearly understand I am not a superhero for sure but deep down in my mind I had this vision that, that person can now smile be free. I just didn’t learn to think for myself and gp with the full heart regardless of who it hurts. I guess it’s the pure fact of being present for somone else in expense of it hurting somone else. Coz if you stop doing what you felt right to do in order to be a person pleaser. That person who wanted you to change has now nothing to benifit you so you are on your own now. Making a juggling show of pleasing until the show is on you.

Guilt is actually another personification

Guilt is actually another personification

Growing up the fear of the unknown has been stronger than the knowing. The knowing was something,  taken for granted whilst the unknown something that really stuck subconsciously. As though what was unknown was some sort of monstrous thing. I was always the child who would over think and over Compensate. Always wanting people to be happy and see good in people. I say that I am an empathetic person and I think it stems from always listening to people. From a young age, maybe being told things that I could not handle myself being young. I could not heal, cure or solve any of what was told to me. I see the problems in this situation. I was there for people but not being able to actively call out for help.  Actually tried to deal with myself and others wow!.  It has been one struggle that  I have perfected. Noticing whether I am able to take on someone’s problem. Or simply sit and listen without letting the problem cling to me. I’ve learned to block the connection where I’d take it all on when I could barely handle.  And balance what was actually going on with myself. It does kind of affect how I look at the future for my child, I am very protective of people telling child-adult problems it’s not their problems and the child should not be prepared to deal with such situations. I lived the rest of my life picking up and attracting people I can help not purposely just seemed to happen. Don’t get me wrong I love the people in my life but my love relationships never been stable. I never truly met anyone who would just let me relax and be myself I’ve always been on the edge thinking the worst is going to happen. The easiest thing was to walk away. I learned that if something does not feel right it most probably isn’t.

In the black community having mental health problems is deemed to be a taboo. Especially in the wider community. This is not just a UK or an American thing this is something that is embedded within. In my community, it’s easier to go to church and get people to pray for you and cast the devil out of you than it is to actually be seen by a counsellor or Doctor. In the westernised world the black people are seen to be able to cope. Be able to cope with rejection, with our children being treated differently. With jobs not being created to cater for us. With the stereotypes that would not be created had the word equal opportunities really exist in what it should be. If systematical Racism wasn’t a thing. I could talk about this for a while but this doesn’t affect most of the readers reading this. It’s a knock on effect if something is limited to one community but is plenty to another like generational wealth, less stereotypical tagging. More of a comfortable environment. None over exaggeration in expressed conversations just because of the colour of skin or cultural differences. I mean we know there are white people, black people, Asian people and more. Yet we still have this falseness and exploratory attitude. My babies are ready to face racism. Ready to be fetishised. Ready to grow up and be strong before it’s time to be. I am struggling with the inner child in me because I forgot when the last time was that I could just be a free spirit just be as free as I could see other kids. So I am working on this so I can be who I need to be for my son. The whole religious thing has me. I am in no argument with God or the universe or the highest. However, it needs to be addressed that I am a part conflict with people or is it with myself.

Realisationing

Realisationing

I have come to or coming to some sort of realisationing,  that you can’t force an understanding upon  somone if they are not willing to. Open their  eyes and ears to see that differences do exist. And occur in our reality and that not everyone will understand.  What they can see on their level of understanding. I have had arguments with people simply because they seem to force the reality of their own that has no progress to change in this environment that we are living in and especially mine. Then I try to understand for why am I getting frustrated when I already no what I do and it’s OK just for me to keep my mouth shut and listen. Erm well I find it hard to. It’s like telling your stomach that you have not eaten crap food and no it will not hurt ur stomach at all! In denial of the fact that no matter how much we try to prevent the world from crumbling and stop people from hurting dying and killing no matter how much we pray or give money. We are not incontrol. Maybe incontrol of a percentage just of,  because we are not accepting that our thoughts are our reality. I have some kind of trying to reason that if we are able to manifest our reality then why are so many of us externalised in thought instead of internalised. This is because we are taught from a young age how to externalise inorder to recive such as share and be kind put people first. Not saying be inhumane but we are not taught in the westernised world that we need to internalise and understand self before other people. Like religion alot of it is outsourcing our prayers and idolising other humans this idolising is soooo Ancient and I can’t say too wrongs I am just trying to get an understanding without the end result being that. I need saving or read the Holy book. I offend alot of people with me not conforming and being one of them but I can’t understand where they are coming from.

she wants to fall in love ey

she wants to fall in love ey

She said

shush! gosh
I really want to fall in love
I want to
be squeezed that tight
 I kinda loose my breath
Then he lets me go
Repeatedly holding me
Let my second lips start to talk
they can’t wait to talk
and laugh and cackle
but…
hmm
I can’t do it right now
I can barely take this.
And he will just hold me right?
Or is it all in my head that he would really
Want to talk deeper but without words
let his second
 mind communicate
or should I just become all  cold
I mean I get all scared and
tell them lips to shut
the fuck up
like they get me in trouble
feel like regurgitating at the
waist line when, I see him
um like a volcano ready to
erupt
like a fizzy bottle of pop
been all shook up
like Elvis Presley