That thing they call gratitude 

That thing they call gratitude 

So lately I have been looking at the thing called gratitude. I have been reading and watching YouTube videos. I am trying to look more within because my surroundings lack self-confidence, motivation and knowledge. It also lacks empathy. I have natural empathy but It’s been unable to flow freely as people find it easy to offload and not listen to my own problems. In reading about mindfulness gratitude it has helped me to see the problems I may think are there and see what good is there. I guess stress is more reciprocated than happiness. I just want to be able to smile without feeling guilty of even having a smile. I want to cry and not have to apologise for making someone feel uncomfortable. Want to sing out loud and wear what I want. I want to give up eating meat it makes me feel like ugh but I eat what is in front of me and what I know. So I have not put my own self-love boundaries and worth out there but I am working on it. Through writing my gratitude Daily I am appreciating the small things that I miss out through materialism and being impatient and being angry or trying to impress.

My looking into myself has given me the permission to understand my flaws and accept also to allow myself to not feel a guilt of feeling how I do. And to catch myself going out of line. And trying to see how people view me whether right or wrong.

Thoughts of gratitude mixed up with self-love for me is knowing my body. Like I am looking after a child. How do I do this well I am aware of what not to eat but I am not disciplined enough to eliminate things because I am conditioned and used to what I know. I have to work on the unknowing in order for me to have a healthy interior and exterior. My guilty thing is eating chicken and dairy still it Messes up my IBS. but I am grateful for the food that is presented and provided to me I guess I have to prepare my own food and have self-discipline.

Since I have started my gratitude journaling I have realised that my energy has not been so negative rather positive and uplifting. It’s taking myself to understand what is often misunderstood and covered up with egos. Yet I am able to see through people as well I am seeing clearer but not just seeing the bad or the good but the in-between. It’s having the silence to see what is happening over being too noisy and confrontational.

what would happen

what would happen

I wonder sometimes

in my head

what would happen

if I regurgitated

the impulse reactive thoughts

that speak loudly in my head

and then I realise how rude it

feels for someone else to do this

but then how offensive it is

when someone else feels offended when I do so

but then what if I spat words out

as quickly as I try to compliment

people and spread that good feeling

news around.

Nothing feels too good or looks too good

what If me spitting out thoughts as soon

as they enter my mind ain’t always a bad thing

like what if?

I know it would help my mind from impulse thoughts

and detox my brain so my mind can sleep

or I could just see the world through my eyes

clearly

and like wipe clean the lens

that is fogged over by rage

and insecurities

stress trying to get through a net with smaller holes

simply because no one wants to hear

that stress.

Someone should hear that I mean

if it’s them…

sometimes we say best

by saying nothing they say.

Nope we say it best when we get it out

and minds empty of thoughts

that pollute your

mind

and make you sick